Now that your porcelain face has
CRASH
Hit the floor
And broken into so many
Pieces
I can't walk without getting ten thousand splinters
Do you believe me that you were too high
On the shelf?
Now that your seams have
RRRIP
Come undone
And all over this floor is
Stuffing
So that it's uneven under my feet
Do you understand that you were too full
Of yourself?
So pretty is the porcelain doll
Sadly, though
When their eyes roll back into their heads
They're looking
At nothing












Comments
Is 'ten thousand' necessary - it seems somewhat hyperbolic? Last two lines of the first stanza seem somewhat out of kilter, just a bit though and it may just be me. Same for the middle two lines of the second stanza.
Several continuity questions for the last stanza. Singular dolls or plural dolls? Here's what I mean...
'So pretty is the porcelain doll
Sadly, though
When its eyes roll back into its head
They're looking
At nothing'
Or..
'So pretty are the porcelain dolls
Sadly, though
When their eyes roll back into their heads
They're looking
At nothing '
Please don't think I'm trying to be unkind. I like the poem the way it is.
--
~An Ophelia
Ah, good. Then as a poor person infected with the British tendency to understate, I'll enjoy a refreshing change of pace; glorying in hyperbole and confusing grammar. (Okay, scratch the grammar point. I think I kinda-almost-can understand why it's like that.)
'Hooray'.
This is a very unique piece, wonderful writing !
--
Hemp + My Etsy Shop = [link]
15,000 Kiriban coming up. Check out my journal for details.
Art Trades ? Notify me.
And thank you so much.
--
~An Ophelia
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